Marie Marshall

Mr Collins is my name

Mr Collins is my name,
I’m a man of modest fame,
Just a member of the clergy – in the Anglican Liturgy –
And I’m really not to blame,
For enrichment’s not my aim,
And if Longbourn I inherit – ‘twill be Providence, not merit –
I’ll bow to it, all the same!

Lady Catherine de Bourgh,
Lady Catherine de Bourgh,
How I always will defer –
Lady Catherine de Bourgh!

Oh my patroness is great
In her wealth and her estate,
And I’m grateful for her giving me a satisfactory living –
Though I feel the need, of late,
Of a helpmeet and a mate,
But you cannot say I cozen the fair daughters of my cousin –
I would be a base ingrate!

Lady Catherine de Bourgh,
Lady Catherine de Bourgh,
Ah, I owe it all to her –
Lady Catherine de Bourgh!

Sweet Elizabeth (or Jane*)
Can a clergyman attain
Such a pinnacle in marriage. Oh, a man of humble carriage
Might a celibate remain,
And renounce all thought of gain.
But such piety I’m shedding to pursue a modest wedding
(Better marry than abstain!)

Lady Catherine de Bourgh,
Lady Catherine de Bourgh,
I, with admiration, purr –
Lady Catherine de Bourgh!

Now sweet Charlotte has my heart
(She’s the daughter of a ‘Bart’)**
And she thinks it is no larceny to wed a humble parson,
We will ride in my dogcart
From our nuptials, and start
Our conjugal bliss together – richer, poorer, blind to weather –
As the good Lord doth impart…

Lady Catherine de Bourgh,
Lady Catherine de Bourgh,
I, a moon around thee, whirr –
Lady Catherine de Bourgh!

(*Yes, I know. I claim artistic license at that point. **And that one.)